Voices Inside my Head

The voices inside my head make me sound like I'm some crazy lady who talks to herself and has a shopping cart loaded with stuff with live cats living beneath it all. I'm not that crazy (most of the time), I swear. I am talking about the negative thoughts that enter my head whenever I am about to attempt something or even just thinking about random wants/wishes/dreams. For today I am mainly talking about losing the dreaded baby weight. Once upon a time there was a girl named Moe who dated a gentleman dude in college. She thought he was oh-so right for her but little did she know he was mentally and emotionally breaking her down. In high school I was a svelte little lady that rocked a size 0/2 without even trying. There were some events in my life that took place during high school and after graduation which inevitably led to a depression that (I thought) was only curable by consuming way too much food. I went up to a 6. After meeting said dude in college I ballooned up about 35 pounds and rocked a size 10/12. He would tell me that I was never meant to be skinny and that I was supposed to be curvy and voluptuous. And you know what? I believed him. I would complain about my weight and he would hand me three doughnuts and then take me to Carl's Jr for dinner. It got to the point that I would avoid looking in the mirror when I would undress for a shower. It even got to the point (WARNING: TMI) that I once cried during sex. ...not to mention when I was even younger there were several instances of a few people that were close to me saying that I was fat. ...not to mention the fact that just the other day I had this flashback of me at about 7 years old thinking to myself that maybe if I fell asleep at night sucking my tummy in and that I would wake up skinnier. Seven years old! Looking back at pictures of those years I was itty bitty. Anyway, back to the point. Hear I am at about 10 weeks post-partum and I am in a size 8 which is actually where I was before I was pregnant. I should be happy, right? Right. No, wrong. I can't help but want to be smaller - like a size four. A few weeks ago I set out to start my weight loss journey via 30 Day Shred and then a week or so later I decided I wanted to include Eating Clean. I did the Shred for nine consecutive days and started feeling amazing. I was starting to lose the self-consciousness of being naked around Roy and there was a noticeable difference when I wore my jeans. I started feeling great when I was (loosely) following the Eating Clean lifestyle. I took measurements of myself and I kid you not I lost 1.5 inches in my thighs (the trouble spot for me). Suddenly, I stopped. For every positive thought that occurred in my head about my body I would hear someone say, "You're not meant to be skinny." For every positive food choice I made I heard, "Marisa, you could really afford to lose some weight before you wear that shirt and pierce your belly button." For every smile that came from my face upon actually looking in the mirror I would hear, "You seriously have thunder thighs, please stop wearing shorts." Those were just a few of the comments that I would hear on a semi-regular basis. So I stopped, just like that; I stopped. Somewhere in my head I seriously believe that I cannot ever attain my goal weight. Somewhere in my head there is a blockage and I can't get rid of it. I have started and stopped this process several times because once I start to feel better the thoughts pop in my head. I tell myself it is because I am lazy but in reality the voices in my past hold me back. I allow them to hold me back. I don't want to allow this anymore. I can't allow myself to not reach my goals because of someone else. Most of all I can't allow this anymore because I have a daughter now. A daughter who, if I cannot have a positive outlook on my body, may feel that way about herself. I do not want that for her. Starting now I will push past those voices that creep in when I am starting to feel good about where my body is headed. I no longer will listen to them and believe them when I hear that I will always be fat/thick/curvy/whatever. I can get there. I will get there.

I wanna feel the way this girl looks, confident, sexy. NOTE: I am not saying in anyway that a size 10/12 is unacceptable. I know that it is an average size. Now, I am not an average size woman (5 ft 1/2 in); my goal weight is technically where I should be if you look on the BMI.

Wordless-ish Wednesday

Love Story

i am linking up! Thank goodness for this little 'challenge!' I can use this to add to my about me! 1. How long have you and your significant other been together? In May it will be 5 years! 2. How did you meet? {What's your "love" story?} I was moving to Oregon. Alone. I had picked out an apartment and even had some of my stuff up there at a friend's house. I had plans. I was going to finish up college at the university while starting up an event planning business. I was going to be like Carrie Bradshaw and live my life in an awesome city. The universe seemed to have other plans. I was working my way through college at 24 Hour Fitness. I worked at the front desk in the evenings and I would bring my books to study during the slow times. Roy would always come in between 6 and 8 p.m. My manager was the one who spotted him first but she had a boyfriend. I thought he was really cute but didn't really think anything of it because I already had plans to move to Oregon. And then he started to make small talk everytime he came in. It began with the typical greeting, "Hi! How are you?" He would hand me his gym pass and ID and that would be it. Slowly it turned into him making fun of me for studying at work. It was just innocent flirting so I didn't think anything of it. One day he struck up a long conversation and never made it past the front desk to work out. I started to think about him - I was crushing. It was so hard not to start thinking what if? One night I was closing the gym and I went in to clean up the free weight room when he asked me for my number. I couldn't help but be excited, even though I was moving in two months and even though I was leaving that weekend to take some more stuff up to Oregon. I told myself I would just casually date him. He called me that weekend while I was wandering around Portland and we talked for a good hour. Still, I told myself that it wasn't anything special and to think of it as just dating, period. We set a 'date.' I was going to go watch his softball game. He picked me up and he was driving a pickup (points!) and was playing country music (points!). After his game he asked me out for dinner that Thursday. We went to Friday's. Before the check came he told me he didn't want to take me home (points!). We walked around the mall. We played pool. He took me home...he walked me to my door (points!). Just as he was about to kiss me my Mum's dogs started barking (awkward much?!). We both laughed and called it a night. We have been inseparable since.

3. If married, how long have you been married? If not, is this the guy you hope to marry? {do tell} We aren't married. He is the man I will be with for the rest of my life. Whether that means we get married or not doesn't really matter to me. I would love to marry him because I believe in marriage and I would love to have that moment where we share sacred vows. I think he feels the same way so I always assumed we would get married....I guess we will see! I will leave that one up to him.

4. If you are married, where did you get married at? Big or small wedding? If not, where would you like to get married? And will it be big or small? If/when we get married I want the ceremony and reception to be outside. I either want a woodsy-fairy land sort of wedding or somewhere where we can have a picnic sort of theme. I want it to be small maybe 60 people. He has a large family but I would prefer just close family and friends. 5. Do you have any nick-names that you call one another? Do share! I call him: Panda, Babe, Baby, Roy Lee (in a southern accent!), Love. He calls me: Babe, Baby, Marisa Sue (in a southern accent)

6. Name 3 things you love most about your honey. Three?! I have so many. 1. He loves me for ME. He knows the crazy life I have had and that it has made a huge impact on who I am today and how I live my life and he still loves me. 2. He is a kid at heart. So happy go lucky and full of life. He balances me out. 3. He's cute. Haha, just kidding (not!). He is funny. No one can make me laugh the way he does and he can make me laugh at anytime. Most of our arguments are diffused because of his antics.

7. Tell us how he proposed? Or your ideal proposal? Ideal proposal....you know, I don't really have one. I used to be the girl who wanted the whole she-bang. I wanted the big, fancy, expensive dinner where he gets down on one knee or hides the ring in my drink or in my dessert. I wanted the big wedding. When I met him my idea of proposals and weddings all changed. As long as it is heartfelt I don't really care. 8. Is he a flowers and teddy bear kind of guy for v-day, or strawberries, champagne, and rose petals? Either - it depends on the status of the bank account! 9. Are you a sunset dinner on the beach kind of girl, or pop a movie in and relax on the couch? I don't care for dinner on the beach but I would love to just cuddle up and watch the sunset and then go home to a movie. 10. Tell us one thing you'd like to do with your significant one day. If you could do anything? Go anywhere? We would definitely travel - Australia, Italy, England, exotic beaches, you name it. 11. Tell us what you plan on doing on this Valentine's Day. He apparently has something up his sleeve! I will report my findings.

12. Are you asking for anything this Valentine's day? I don't want anything. Just a nice day with him and our beautiful daughter. 13. Give us one piece of advice of keeping a relationship strong and full of love. Laugh often and respect one another. 14. Show us a picture of what love means to you. I have three

Marisa Sue

Roy Lee

Aubrey Rose You and me equal three!

2 Months

Dear Aubrey Rose (Little Monster), Today you are two months old - oh, how time flies! This month brought on quite a bit of emotions; at the end of this month I return back to work, we tried bottle feeding, and Auntie Em got to watch you a couple of times. Right now you are fast asleep on Papa's chest and the sight takes my breath away. I want to savor every moment and lock it forever in my memory. You are so beautiful and so full of life for an 8 week old. You can: - push yourself up onto your arms - hold up your head for minutes at a time - coo - "talk" we have great conversations - smile - fake cry You are starting to show hints of a laugh. I cannot wait to hear it. You are also starting to roll over. You like: - sitting up versus being cradled - singing "The Itsy, Bitsy Spider" with the hand motions - taking baths (you say "ah" and smile like crazy) - sleeping on Papa - being outside (you stick out your tongue like a lizard and smile) - being worn in the carrier, especially if you are fussy - your pacifier, but only at specific times and you will only take the purple one - your Bumbo You dislike: - being left alone - tummy time (after 5 minutes) - being buckled into your carseat (therefore Mama tries to leave the house while you are sleeping to avoid the screaming) You are still the best thing that I have ever done and I would live my life a thousand times if it meant that I would have you. You never cease to amaze me with your cooing and smiling and (almost) rolling. You still insist on growing like a weed and while I relish every milestone that you are achieving it is bittersweet. I cannot wait to see the person you become. I am so, so proud to be your mama. I love you more than gummi bears, Mum Now onto the cuteness overload also known as your 2 month photoshoot

Tonight we went on our first date since Aubrey came into this world. My sister very graciously offered to babysit her while we went for a couple of hours. The few hours leading up to my sister's arrival were super exciting. All I could think about was what I was going to wear and how I wanted to do my makeup. Roy held the baby so that I could take a nice, long shower and take the time to actually put myself together. My sister arrived and we got out of the house without a single idea as to where we were going to eat. It was kind of fun not having any concrete plans (other than dinner and a movie) and not having a tiny human being to worry about. We finally decided on a restaurant and a table for two took 45 minutes! As we waited I felt like I couldn't relax and just be Marisa. I quickly realized that what was normal to us before has really, seriously changed since having Monster. It was weird to be alone. I was so anxious! I kept thinking about Monster...Roy would be talking and I would be looking right at him but I didn't hear a thing that was being said. "I wonder if she knows to sing 'Itsy Bitsy Spider' to Aubrey and use the hand motions?"And, "what if she is crying right now and Emily doesn't ever want to watch her again?" And, "What if I didn't leave enough milk and she's screaming and Em can't thaw milk fast enough?" Imagine my relief when Roy broke the incessant thoughts with "It is so hard not to call and check up on Aubrey. I miss her so much." Ahhhhhh. I LOVE my man. We sat down. I ordered a margarita (yum!). I know, I know, pumping and dumping that precious liquid gold is such a shame but Mama needed to relax! It was kind of like our first date. It was full of awkward moments and staring into each other's eyes. I loved every second. We tried so hard to have normal, everyday conversation but every now and then one of us would throw in, 'I hope she's okay.' Luckily Roy left his phone in the car....but we still managed to text my sister and they were fine. We were gonna hit a movie but when we pulled up to the parking lot we both agreed we missed our Little Monster too much. ....and we went home... ...to this....

Day 1

My View Today My house is a mess! And, yes, I was watching Teen Mom2!

A Photo a Day and Some 'News'

So, I have been interested in doing the Project 365 where you take a photo a day. And while most people started January 1st, I hemmed and hawed and procrastinated and thought of a billion reasons why NOT to do it when I found a blog where she posts monthly photo challenges. I figured I would start there.

I still need to take my photo. I will post it tonight. Now onto some "news." I have always wanted to be SAHM or even a WAHM and this maternity leave has given me an opportunity to try my hand at it. I would say about 98% of the time I LOVE being home with my little Monster and four WiggleButts (my dogs), but there is that 2% of the time where I am itching to get out. I am very fortunate in that Roy understands and can sense (for the most part) when I need to have some "mommy" time. And when I get that hour or so I come back feeling like I just returned from a vacation. I feel like I can be a SAHM and Roy wants to be able to have me stay home. If Roy made enough money we would be able to have me stay home. Unfortunately, we live in Southern California where the cost of living is absolutely ridiculous so I have to go back to work. ....We (Roy) may have a new job opportunity that would allow me to fulfill my dream of staying at home as a girlfriend and mother. The only drawbacks are that: 1. Roy would be working with a good friend of his. While I believe that friendship and business can mix and mix well, I do also believe that it can get very sticky, very fast. 2. We would be moving to Texas. Roy and I both love the idea of moving out of state and having a fresh start, however (most) our family is here is California. Both sets of grandparents are within 20 minutes of our house so I know both sides would be upset. And it's not just being a SAHM that makes this so appealing. As mentioned above, we both like the idea of moving to another state and starting over. The school system here in California isn't a place that I would want Aubrey to be educated. I have yet to do any research on Texas' school system but I am sure we can find something decent out there. It breaks my heart that we would be leaving our family behind. To think of how they will feel if we do decide to make the jumps hurts even more. I know that we both have to think of what is best for our little family but it is a little scary and nerve wracking. The good thing is that it isn't too far of a drive to come back home for a visit. If we were to drive nonstop it would only take about 20 hours to get there which is doable right now because Aubrey is still so young. Plus, with technology today it wouldn't be hard to keep in touch with everyone. There's the phone, e-mail, facebook, skype, etc. so it's not like we wouldn't be able to see everyone. *sigh* There's still a lot to talk about...and think over. Would you guys take a chance and move?