so...I am still working on the Birth Story of Miss Aubrey Rose - seeing as how I was in the hospital for a total of 5 days there is a lot to jot down!
But in the mean time I have something to confess.
I love being a mommy, I really do.
And I love my daughter to death and I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world. I have waited for such a long time to be a mom and have my own family, I'm not taking it for granted.
I have been feeling a bit trapped. I know I need to focus on recovering from the whole birthing ordeal and I really need to take this time to bond with my baby - I get that. But if you know me then you know that I am NOT the girl who likes to just lie around all day. I want to get out. I find myself getting jealous of the visitors that come because they get to GO. They get to experience what's going on in the real world and I have to stay.
Don't get me wrong, I feel blessed that I am able to exclusively breastfeed Aubrey because I know many women don't have that opportunity. But I feel like I am a milking cow. Aubrey isn't quite old enough (I feel) to learn to drink from a bottle so in a way I am stuck around here. I find myself getting upset with Roy (her papa) because he still gets to go play softball twice a week and leave the house to visit with friends or run away to the store.
I feel trapped.
I feel trapped because so many people have said that I really need to stay at home for the first month and just enjoy every moment. Enjoy being catered to and being driven around when I need to go out.
But I want to go out alone. I want to be able to get away and it makes me feel like I am a bad mom.
Roy has picked up on my unhappiness and he begs me to talk to him but I can't. All I can do is cry. I don't want him to think that I regret having a child. I don't want him to think that I am a terrible mother.
I don't know what to do.
Somebody please tell me this is normal.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
At 5:21 p.m. I hear her sweet, sweet cry. Life has changed in a moment and there are no words to describe the love that I have for my little girl. And to see the instant transformation in her Papa was the most amazing sight. More on that later.
We cannot get enough of this little girl. The nurse comes in and I walk around without being tangled in cords for the first time in 5 days. Visitors start to pour in and the amount of love that fills our room is overwhelming. I am so proud seeing everyone hold my little one and even more proud to know that I am her Mum.
Your due date! I am so thankful that you are already here and we celebrate your little life by being sent home. We keep asking each other "we get to keep her?" We fill out forms and Little Miss gets her hearing test and the OK from her pediatrician. Papa drives home so cautiously. We make it home to excited dogs and set up camp in the living room. It's still difficult getting around but we make it through the night.
Little Miss' umbilical cord falls off. We spend the day watching terrible TV. My milk comes in....omg. Another day of feeding and diapers.
Our first trip....to the lactation consultant. She gives some pointers and she marvels over how attentive Papa is to Little Miss. We make our first attempt as a family in a public place and go out to eat. Success!!!!!!!!!
We are confident that we can make another trip out into the real world - so we venture to WalMart to grab some essentials. She sleeps like a pro and Papa navigates through the Christmas shoppers like he's been a baby chauffeur all his life.
Papa and I agree that we are going stir crazy - we decide to make a run for groceries. Typically it takes twice as long to get through the store because we have made friends with just about all of the employees and they love to touch the belly. We hadn't seen them in over a week and the employees we run into are shocked to see a little girl bundled close to my chest in her carrier. She gets her first bath. She loves being in the water but the second she comes out she cries like she did they first time we heard her. Momma tears up and apologizes profusely.
Happy one week birthday to Miss Aubrey - we hit the mall to shop for Christmas gifts for the people on our list but end up spending money on ourselves - terrible!
Aubrey Rose, you have changed my life forever. I love you.