Friday, December 16, 2011


so...I am still working on the Birth Story of Miss Aubrey Rose - seeing as how I was in the hospital for a total of 5 days there is a lot to jot down!

But in the mean time I have something to confess.

I love being a mommy, I really do.

And I love my daughter to death and I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world. I have waited for such a long time to be a mom and have my own family, I'm not taking it for granted.


I have been feeling a bit trapped. I know I need to focus on recovering from the whole birthing ordeal and I really need to take this time to bond with my baby - I get that. But if you know me then you know that I am NOT the girl who likes to just lie around all day. I want to get out. I find myself getting jealous of the visitors that come because they get to GO. They get to experience what's going on in the real world and I have to stay.

Don't get me wrong, I feel blessed that I am able to exclusively breastfeed Aubrey because I know many women don't have that opportunity. But I feel like I am a milking cow. Aubrey isn't quite old enough (I feel) to learn to drink from a bottle so in a way I am stuck around here. I find myself getting upset with Roy (her papa) because he still gets to go play softball twice a week and leave the house to visit with friends or run away to the store.

I feel trapped.

I feel trapped because so many people have said that I really need to stay at home for the first month and just enjoy every moment. Enjoy being catered to and being driven around when I need to go out.

But I want to go out alone. I want to be able to get away and it makes me feel like I am a bad mom.

Roy has picked up on my unhappiness and he begs me to talk to him but I can't. All I can do is cry. I don't want him to think that I regret having a child. I don't want him to think that I am a terrible mother.

I don't know what to do.

Somebody please tell me this is normal.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Week 1

Monday 12/5

At 5:21 p.m. I hear her sweet, sweet cry. Life has changed in a moment and there are no words to describe the love that I have for my little girl. And to see the instant transformation in her Papa was the most amazing sight. More on that later.

Tuesday 12/6

We cannot get enough of this little girl. The nurse comes in and I walk around without being tangled in cords for the first time in 5 days. Visitors start to pour in and the amount of love that fills our room is overwhelming. I am so proud seeing everyone hold my little one and even more proud to know that I am her Mum.

Wednesday 12/7

Your due date! I am so thankful that you are already here and we celebrate your little life by being sent home. We keep asking each other "we get to keep her?" We fill out forms and Little Miss gets her hearing test and the OK from her pediatrician. Papa drives home so cautiously. We make it home to excited dogs and set up camp in the living room. It's still difficult getting around but we make it through the night.

Thursday 12/8

Little Miss' umbilical cord falls off. We spend the day watching terrible TV. My milk comes in....omg. Another day of feeding and diapers.

Friday 12/9

Our first the lactation consultant. She gives some pointers and she marvels over how attentive Papa is to Little Miss. We make our first attempt as a family in a public place and go out to eat. Success!!!!!!!!!

Saturday 12/10

We are confident that we can make another trip out into the real world - so we venture to WalMart to grab some essentials. She sleeps like a pro and Papa navigates through the Christmas shoppers like he's been a baby chauffeur all his life.

Sunday 12/11

Papa and I agree that we are going stir crazy - we decide to make a run for groceries. Typically it takes twice as long to get through the store because we have made friends with just about all of the employees and they love to touch the belly. We hadn't seen them in over a week and the employees we run into are shocked to see a little girl bundled close to my chest in her carrier. She gets her first bath. She loves being in the water but the second she comes out she cries like she did they first time we heard her. Momma tears up and apologizes profusely.

Monday 12/12

Happy one week birthday to Miss Aubrey - we hit the mall to shop for Christmas gifts for the people on our list but end up spending money on ourselves - terrible!

Aubrey Rose, you have changed my life forever. I love you.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

And so it begins....

Baby Showers.

Baby showers - I don't even know where to begin on this subject. Normally, I am a HUGE fan of showering people with love and gifts and attention even if there isn't a reason for doing so. I love bridal showers and baby showers and random showers for whatever the situation calls for. All for it. I am that girl who squeals and gets all giddy at the mention of a baby or a wedding. I love planning and executing them. I love looking at photos of them online. Hearing about them makes my heart explode. I love everything about them.

So.........I am officially 30.5 weeks pregnant (and yes, I am adding the .5 because I have gotten to that point)! Now that typically means that people start doing the baby showering and giving of the gifts at random times, right? RIGHT.

To be absolutely clear: YES, I am having a baby shower. And yes, I am such a frickin' control freak that I have had my hands in all of the planning. It's not that I don't trust my friends, I swear, I do. It's because I love these things so damn much., then, why the blog then? We all know you do not blog on the regular, Moe, what's up?

I am totally dreading my baby shower.

And I can't quite place my finger on why....perhaps it's because:

1. That's a lot of attention on me and my belly.

2. I am not the kind of girl with a million friends - I work 50+ hours a week, there's no time for socializing. Plus, I'm a guys kind of gal anyway and all my dude friends think showers are 'gay.'

3. I am super stressed about how this whole thing turns out....from who shows up to the food and the decorations.....

4. I get weirded out when people buy me things. I know that everything is for Aubrey, which is super awesome but I'm weird. I have always been one to take care of myself.


So here I am, one week away from this shower and I am getting super anxious.

Am I the only freak out there?

Wednesday, September 28, 2011


Dear Third Trimester,

Please stop kicking my ass. Don't you know that I am not one to sit down and rest? I'm an on the go kind of gal and when I come home from a 10+ hour work day I don't want to go to sleep for a couple of hours I want to clean and fix up Aubrey's room.

Oh, and can you please tell your partners in crime Backache and Pelvic Pain to go suck it? I know being uncomfortable is part of the package but I made it sooooo far without those two - I am a stubborn woman (who is quickly learning that I cannot always fight back). Tell them they can come back in 8 weeks when I go on maternity leave. For now, I want to be able to work all day and then come home and clean like a mad woman.

I will admit, there is one positive to your residency in my body - Panda has been the one cooking and cleaning. I should be thankful, I know, but there's that pesky little brother of yours, Nesting, getting in my way.

If you guys could just back off for a little while I would totally appreciate it.



Saturday, September 17, 2011

Sometimes I wonder...

I know that I can't be the only woman whose significant other is obsessed with that damn game Call of Duty Black Ops. That game is the one thing that really messes up our relationship. Every weekend he will play alllllllll freakin' night. I will fall asleep on the couch and be woken up to the sound of him chatting with his online friends about the number of kills he has. So I go to bed thinking he will follow me.


I wake up the next morning and he is either still playing or he has fallen asleep on the couch.

I know pregnancy hormones has made me crazy but it really infuriates me.

It makes me feel lonely.

It makes me cry.

He doesn't get it.

Seriously, we have a discussion/argument about this frickin' game at least once a week. He promises me the world and says he will stop playing so much and he will help me around the house more. I ultimately say ok. Things get better for about a week and then - POOF - he goes right back to his old behaviors. Sometimes I believe that he really could care less that my feelings are hurt because it seems he would rather play his game then spend time with me.

All I can think about is: "is this how it is going to be when Aubrey arrives?" Our relationship is about to change in a monumental way and I am afraid his priorities will no longer include me. I understand and accept and respect that our relationship is bound to take a back seat for the most part when our daughter is born - but what happens when we have that little smidge of time for us? He will ultimately choose the game, right? I sincerely hope not.

My eyes are tearing up as I write this, my heart feels smashed to billions of pieces when I think about this subject. My heart is broken. I am broken.

What in the world do I do?

I can't continue like this. In my mind my only option now is to leave him. We aren't married so it won't be messy. I don't even know if I want to marry him.

I keep thinking that it would be easier to leave before Aubrey arrives. Cut ties now and have a plan for when she is here.

What do I do?

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

My love

My dearest Aubrey Rose,

As I sit here on the floor, waiting for your daddy to return from the gym, I watch you dance and move around in my belly. There isn't a single word to explain what I feel when I feel you move inside of me. The magnitude of love that I feel surpasses every emotion I have ever felt before in my life.

I thought that I learned love when I met daddy after thinking I would never meet another man worth loving again. I was wrong. From the moment we decided that we wanted you in our lives to the moment I saw the word Pregnant on the test screen to is incredible. I have a feeling that you are the best thing that I will have ever done. I have a feeling that you are my Magnum Opus - nothing I could ever do will be better than you.

I cannot wait to show you the world. Daddy and I already have so many plans for you. We want to take you fishing, camping, hiking, to the zoo, to the beach - I want nothing more than to give you the world. We want to teach you everything we know. We want to make every opportunity open to you.

I want you to know that I love you so much. I know that there will be times when you feel that maybe I don't love you because we are in a disagreement or whatever. But I do love you - more than life itself. I would give anything for you.

This letter is full of cliches which is super lame but I cannot think of any other way to express how I feel about carrying you.

I love you.



Monday, September 12, 2011


Today we hit the 28 mark (according to medicine, at least, I happen to think we are several days behind, whatev!). Today marks the first day of our last trimester and I am beyond out of my mind amazed that we are already here.

There are no words to explain the feelings running through me. I simply cannot believe that in as little as 8 weeks Aubrey could be here. She could be here, sitting next to me. Or here in my arms. Panda is napping away next to me and I cannot imagine Aubrey sleeping on his chest - not that I don't want to, its more like even though I can feel her moving in me and I hear her heartbeat at the doctor mind can wrap around the fact that she will be coming out of me. In my own way I almost don't want her to come out. But we will save that for another post.

Watching Aubrey move around inside of me is another indescribable feeling. Up until today, Aubrey had very distinct schedule. Every three hours she would wiggle around like their was a wild party going on in my uterus for about 30 minutes and then she would simmer down and move a few times here and there. Her "party times" were usually around 9, 12, 6, 6. This morning I awoke to her bouncing around at 4:30 a.m. so I woke up and peed and then promptly decided that it was a great time for a blueberry bagel and a large glass of orange juice. I thought I would be able to get right back to sleep but I was so wrong. She wiggled and danced for a bit then quieted down. She started back up at 6:30....I have lost track of her pattern because it seems like every 30 minutes she kicks and wiggles and sometimes it kind of hurts!

I don't know what it is but suddenly I feel like there are so many things to write about. Maybe its the fact that I know shes coming and I want to get everything out of my head, heart and soul and into a place where I can leave it so it won't mull around in my head. I have created a running list of things that I want to blog about. However, I have learned my lesson in vowing to keep this thing up. Hopefully my plan will stick.

Until next time...



Sunday, September 11, 2011


Dear Aubrey,

Yesterday we went to the LA county fair. We had deep fried twinkies, snickers and oreos. I think you liked them because you danced and wiggled in my belly every time I finished a bite.

Your grandma and grandpa were asked to work at the fair and they brought some of their goats and calves and other little babies. Grandma was giving a demonstration on milking goats and we got to see her first performance! She was so nervous before she went on but she did just fine. A lot of people gathered around to hear her talk and a few even asked to try their hand at milking. You could see how proud daddy was of her, it was so cute.

We walked and walked and walked. I can tell you are getting bigger because I would need to sit and rest every 30 minutes or so. Thankfully I was able to sit down right as daddy and our friends would want to go look at something or get another beer.

Daddy rode the mechanical bull! I wish I had recorded it - he looked like a true bull rider! The people were crowding around to watch him. He lasted on the bull for awhile! The crowd loved him so much that he was offered another ride for free!

It was so much fun!

Every time daddy would see a little kid his face would light up and he would say, "next year we get to bring Aubrey here." He is just so excited for your arrival! He cannot wait to show you all kinds of things. You are one lucky little girl!

I love you more than words,



Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Wordless Wednesday

Happy 26 weeks, Aubrey Rose. I love you more than words.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

long time, no write

Well...I know I am a month overdue but.....

It's a little girl!

Miss Aubrey Rose is to make her debut early December!

Let's face it: I suck at keeping up with a blog. But to be completely honest it's because I feel like there's nothing worth blogging about - no one wants to hear me cry about that everyday shit that occurs in my I continue to read up on other people's lives but fail to update on my own.

This week I am committing to blogging for at least 5 minutes a day. Five minutes seems perfectly doable especially if I need to bitch about something. I can type it all out and move forward.

Let's see how long this lasts.

As far as pregnancy goes I am 25 weeks, going on 26 on Tuesday (according to the doctor). I haven't gained too much weight and everything seems to be checking out as normal. I can't complain about much except for the occasional backache and increasing exhaustion.

We've been working on the nursery for a little while. It's coming together slowly but surely. All we really have left is to purchase a mattress and crib sheets, put up the curtains and get a chair to put in there. Everything else is just decorating....

I could really go for a chocolate cupcake right about now....

Until tomorrow....


Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The Big Day!

Dear Baby,

Tomorrow we find out what you are! I am so excited, it literally feels like it is going to be Christmas time and I am waiting up to take a peek at Santa Claus' delivery.

Everyone is curious to know what you are - I have a super long list of people to text and call prior to making the announcement on Facebook. Most people think that you are a boy - I would have to agree. However, if you are a little girl I wouldn't would be funny to see your daddy get wrapped around your finger! Although he denies that such a thing would happen I know that if it were announced that you are a girl, it would take him .21 seconds to fall instantly head over heels for his little princess.

Auntie Em will be tagging along to be the first to know! She is just as excited as I am to hear the news. She took tomorrow off just to make sure she could be there. That girl loves you so much already. She is also the only one who swears that you are a girl....if you are you are in for a real treat, Auntie Em is the fashionista of the family. It wouldn't surprise me if her next two checks were devoted to all of the girly clothes for you.

Please cooperate tomorrow - mama is itching to start you nursery and plan for your shower(s).

I love you and cannot wait to see just how big you've grown!



Monday, July 18, 2011

19 weeks...almost a week late

How far along? 19 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: we shall see today, appointment at 4!

Sleep: good until i stir then i immediately have to pee, still

Best moment this week: being worried because my little charlie jumped on my belly but then feeling the baby squirm and move right back

Movement: this little is squirmy at times

Symptoms: starving all the time, itchy nipples, weird stuff down below, huge boobs!, back aches

Symptoms I DON'T have: many!

Food cravings: cup of soup, cold fruit, soda (for the bubbly feeling, iknow, i know, kill me!)

Food aversions: none!

Gender: 3 more days til we find out!

Labor Signs: none, thankfully i think my monster needs some more baking

Belly Button in or out? tucked inside, but slowly making its way out

What I miss: working out really hard, being able to go go go 24/7, my clothes!

What I am looking forward to: the gender ultrasound, baby showers

Weekly Wisdom: umm.........for a long while i was down about my weight but today i realized that as long as im making good food choices that i will be fine. my body was meant for this, and i feel so blessed!

Sunday, July 17, 2011


**This has taken me nearly a week to write. I apologize for my absence**

I have been trying to keep this blog light and fun and all about my little monster. I don't update very often - I work 45+ hours each week plus take care of the house and the cooking - it is exhausting. Most days there are things for me to post about but by the time "relaxation" time comes I only want to chill out on the couch. I know that I should be documenting as much as possible because this pregnancy will only happen one time....I should eat up every single second with words and pictures - I want to do a better job of relishing every second and making sure that it is recorded on here. Tonight is a new night, one where I can start over anew....that being said, this post isn't going to be light and fun. You have been forewarned.

Today I received bad news from two people that I hold near to my heart.

The first was my regular (customer) Beverly. She hadn't been coming in very much this past week and I had been meaning to text her because something didn't feel right but something told me she needed her space. She came in this morning right as we opened and she looked drained. She told me about how it is highly likely that her husband has prostate cancer and that it has likely spread. Her eyes welled up with tears and my first reaction was to back away - horrible, I know. I don't quite know why I backed away; perhaps it has something to do with the fact that Granddaddy died from prostate cancer and there are times where I still think I am mourning my loss. She told me she most likely wouldn't be in for several days. I asked her how she was doing and she replied "I hate it because I am not in control. You know me, I am a control freak and if I am powerless I lose my mind." I completely understand. I, too am a control freak- anything beyond my control upsets and irritates me. The unknown paralyzes me.

The second was a long time friend of mine. I consider her to be like a Mum to me. I have known her since I was 15 and she has seen me through some crazy times, as I have for her. She's one of those rare people that you meet and you have an incredible instant bond. It was like I have known her all my life and perhaps even in a past life. For the past 5 or 6 years she has been suffering from a myriad of different illnesses. There have been a few times where I have flown out of state to take care of her and her family after surgery without any thought to it. Recently she has been suffering from things like falling out of bed every night and having trouble remembering things. After hundreds of doctors visits with seemingly hundreds of different doctors they finally scheduled her for an EEG (basically, a brain scan). Well, she finally got the results back.

I got the phone call when I was at work. Unfortunately when she called I wasn't at my desk, I was helping my team on the floor. When I got back I saw the missed call and immediately listened to the voicemail. I wish I hadn't. Mum said she regretted telling me this way but that she needed me to know and had to get it off her chest. The doctor went over the scan with her and told her she had severe brain damage on the left hemisphere of her brain. I couldn't listen to any more. I knew that if I did the last 4 hours of work would be impossible.

Later when I got in my car to go home I listened to it again. She assured me she would be okay. My heart began to ache. She made jokes that she would try hard not to be a burden and get so bad that I would have to change the diapers of both her and the baby. That old familiar burn returned in my throat. She told me that our family would be just fine. Again I couldn't listen to any more. I had to get home. I couldn't allow myself to lose it in front of my store.

I got home and all I could think was why. Why? Why now?

I couldn't call her because I knew I wouldn't be strong.

She was making jokes and I was crumbling.

She was thinking and talking about the baby and all I could think was: I can't do this again. My heart won't make it.

This is supposed to be a happy time - it's a selfish thought, I know.

I asked her how this happened...she replied "This is why we have to share our stories. WE have to make a difference in those that have suffered or are suffering from domestic violence. This happened because of my ex-husband who pushed me down a flight of stairs when I was pregnant with Matthew."

Our work in domestic violence is something I will blog about later.

I couldn't believe her reply. She wasn't bitter or sad.

Both women are incredibly strong - which is why I cling to them so dearly. They show me strength when they are the ones suffering.

All I feel is pain.

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by, if you smile through your fears and sorrows
Smile and may be tomorrow, you'll see the sun come shining through if you
Light up your face with gladness, hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear, may be ever so near That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just, smile

Monday, July 4, 2011

7 months

Dear Baby,

Today is your first fourth of July that you have existed in our lives....

This morning I woke up and thought, "this time next year we will have a 7 month old on our hands." I cannot begin to imagine what life will be like this time next year. There are so many questions that I have about you. There are so many things I am anxious to know and experience.

According to BabyCenter this week I should be beginning to think about my birth plan. Birth Plan! I can barely decide on what to put on a registry, which cloth diapers to choose, where I want to begin for your nursery...let alone a birth plan. They also say that you can feel my touch so I try to make sure that I am rubbing the belly as much as possible. Even though I feel ridiculous doing it, I also try to talk to you. I tell you about my day and what's going on in my life - I want you to know just how much I love you.

All day today I have felt a heaviness on one side of my body. It doesn't hurt but it gets mighty uncomfortable at times - whatever it is that you are doing, please stop! I do, however, enjoy your little kicks and squirms when I am still enough to feel them. I feel like you are my secret and that we have something no one else ever will share. I know everyone is anxious to get to feel you dancing in my belly, I am too. I want them to feel what I do. I want them to have that physically connection with you so that you know you are loved by many.

Enough of the silly stuff....

As I said, today was your first 4th of July. We woke up and ate some eggs and a piece of cornbread leftover from last night. We made a trip to the grocery store to pick up some last minute items and then we visited mommy's store to steal some ice because I refuse to pay for solid water. Usually when we are at work, mommy is wearing an apron so it is hard for people to see just how much you have grown. Everyone's face lit up and they ooh'd and ahh'd over you.

We had hamburgers and bratwurst that daddy bbq'd. Daddy is an awesome bbq chef, even though he doesn't think so. Everyone says he should enter in a bbq contest - hopefully you will be around when he finally decides to do one. You would be proud!

For dessert my mommy made homemade pazookie.....I know you don't quite know what that is. It's a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie topped with ice cream, we had neopolitan!

Having you in my belly plus all of the food we ate is making mommy pretty uncomfortable!

Anyway, here we are at 17 weeks. I thought we had gained 12 pounds so far but I took a look at our paperwork for our bloodwork coming up and we have only gained 8!

On the 21st we will (hopefully) find out just what you are. Everyone except Auntie Em is rooting for you to be a boy. Hopefully you will be cooperative that day. I can't wait!

I love you,


Saturday, July 2, 2011

17 weeks

How far along? 17 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: 12 pounds gained (i think)
Sleep: good until i stir then i immediately have to pee
Best moment this week: somebody told me im tiny for being 17 weeks, but that i glowed!
Movement: this little is squirmy at times
Symptoms: starving all the time! and my nipples are doing this really weird thing...
Symptoms I DON'T have: many!
Food cravings: cup of soup, cold fruit
Food aversions: none
Gender: we find out in 19 days!
Labor Signs: none, thankfully i think my monster needs some more baking
Belly Button in or out? tucked inside
What I miss: working out really hard
What I am looking forward to: the gender ultrasound and when Panda can feel the little move
Weekly Wisdom: umm.........for a long while i was down about my weight but today i realized that as long as im making good food choices that i will be fine. my body was meant for this, and i feel so blessed!
Milestones: wiggles in my uterus

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Clean Up in Aisle 4

Tissues, please!
Sunday we went to register at Babies R' Us. We arrived at the mecca for little monsters around 11:30. We sat down with the registry lady who asked some questions and took down some information. Then came Panda's favorite part...she handed over the magical scanner. You should have seen his face, you would have thought he was just handed the worlds best video game controller for the ultimate round of Call of Duty - he was that excited! We were given a map of the store, for real,as well as a "baby must-haves" list and we were sent on our merry way into the world of baby.

So off we went, following the signs and we first landed in infant feeding, aka, breast pumps galore! There were 20 different brands. There were starter kits, accessory kits, breast pads, storage bags, oh my! I had remembered that Lashinoh (?) was a highly recommended brand so "beep beep beep" went the scanner.

Next was the bath time section with baby tubs and wash cloths and shampoo and towels. That's where things were a little bit overwhelming - do we get the basic tub or the baby "spa" complete with mini jets and bubble makers? There was a hesitant beep or two and then that's when things got a little scary. How do we know which is best? After a couple of minutes I decided it was best to move on...

On to baby proofing, that is! That was fairly easy, we basically scanned one of everything!

Next stop.....strollers! Seriously, there were 25 different strollers sitting on display! 25!!! What the hell were they trying to do? If the answer was: scare the poor first time parents - they win! I am not going to lie....this was where I really started to get anxious. What brand do we try? Do we want the stroller or the travel system? Is expensive better? Do we really need all of the bells and whistles? Of course the first one Panda goes for is the mac daddy...with shocks and lights and a space for your mp3 player with speakers...just kidding, sort of. We found this stroller/travel system by Baby Trend that we both liked the appearance of. Of course we wanted to try it out so we pulled it down and started playing with it. I liked the ease of pushing and steering it and the fact that it didn't look like the traditional stroller. We tried to take the car seat part off and that's where the fun began. We must have looked super lame standing in the aisle with my purse acting as the baby as we tried, at first gently and the quite forcefully to "get the baby out." When we finally realized that there were 2 buttons we had to push I could feel it starting to happen....

"If I can't get my baby purse out of the claws of the stroller and safely into the car, what kind of mother would I be?"

"I must be a horrible mother...."


Panda scanned it.

Next up was carriers. There was another couple in that aisle which got my heart pumping a little bit. Do we look like a couple of idiots? We must look like we haven't the slightest clue what we are doing! How are we going to get this accomplished?

I took one look at the BabyBjorn and Moby wrap section and thought I was going to pass out. The girl half of the couple was standing right in my way and seemed like she knew what she was doing.


You may be asking "well, silly, why didn't you ask for advice?"

Because Moe is too damn proud/stubborn/easily embarrassed.

Skipped that aisle.

Next stop: diapers...this is where the fun begins, for real!

I turned the corner and saw the 10 different brands. That was enough. I lost it. Tears quickly filled my eyes and ran down my cheeks. I started quietly sobbing as I stared at this baby butt covers...I had wanted to do cloth diapering but everyone I told criticized the idea, now I was faced with all of these choices. Panda caught the silent scene and pulled me in for a hug. He asked what was wrong and I said how I was going to be a horrible Mum because I didn't know what I was doing. I said our baby would hate us because I didn't know what was best for it. I asked him why we thought this was a good idea.I started hyperventilating.....

God, am I lame!

Panda intervened and whisked me out of the diaper section and into the gliders and rocking chairs. He offered to buy me Rubios because I wanted tacos (he really listens well).

As quickly as the tears came on the giggle suppressed them and we returned our scanner and walked out.

Needless to say it was super overwhelming - how do women do this?

Am I the only one who cries in Babies R' Us?

Saturday, June 25, 2011

16 weeks

Dear Lil' Monster,

We have made to 16 weeks! It never ceases to amaze me just how much people are excited for your arrival! I know I say this all of the time but you will be surrounded by so much love when you enter this world.

It is only about 3 and a half weeks until we find out just what you are! My friend Casse is obsessed with the idea of going to Fetal Focus for a 3d ultrasound so we can found out before our actual appointment in July. Daddy thinks that the photos look funny, so I think I will wait. It is hard to wait though, I must admit. I want to start decorating and buying little boy or girl things. I want to start the nursery and get everything ready for you! I think Daddy can sense my impatience because we are going to start registering at Target and Babies R' Us tomorrow. I want to hit up Ikea as well but we will have to see just how tired I get.

Speaking of Daddy...he is so in love with you, baby. Everyday he looks at and rubs my belly, he loves to talk to you and I am sure that you can feel him pressing his ear up against your little home. I can feel you moving around in there; you squirm and you wiggle around. I think that Daddy is a little bit jealous of that fact but I have told him that soon enough you will be able to kick him when he presses on you too hard.

It has been really hot around here and I have been worried about getting too warm because I don't want you to fry in there. So today after work I made Daddy go to Lowe's and buy an air conditioner to use during the daytime. Fortunately it cools off in the evening so we won't have to spend an arm and a leg in electricity (Mum is a frugal little lady!). Today when we were a Lowe's we saw a little girl hugging on her mama and Daddy had the biggest smile on his face. I could just tell that he can't wait to have you in his arms and show you what the world is about.

I only have one small request to ask of you, baby. Please stop making me want to eat Cup of Soup and Top Ramen! I know you don't know this but that stuff is soooo bad for us! You have me eating one at least once a day....can't we crave a salad instead? It's ok, I forgive you.

So far we have gained 12 pounds in our 16 weeks together. I know that gaining weight is part of our journey but it is a little bit hard for me to accept the changes in my body. Fortunately the only things that really changed are my boobs, my ever expanding belly and my wider hips. People keep telling me that I will likely end up being all belly but its a hard pill to swallow sometimes. I miss going to the gym 4 or 5 times a week and pushing myself to the limit. Now I am so tired I can barely make it 3 times a week.

Anyway, it is time to have dinner. Daddy grilled us some hamburgers and we are having salad and I think I am going to sneak a couple of potato chips

I know I suck at this blogging thing and I feel horribly that I haven't been taking better care of documenting our journey together...I will make better effort to keep up!

I love you, Lil' Monster.



Tuesday, June 14, 2011

oh man...i cannot believe its been a couple of weeks since my last update. lets do a mini recap:

- i will be 15 weeks pregnant tomorrow!

i have belly!

- we have had one dating and scanning ultrasound

- we have had one ultrasound for genetic testing

- i am finally starting to feel better physically.

- i have visited a maternity store

i bought 4 bras and ooh and ahh'd over every little thing

- so far we have 2 baby showers being planned

i didnt realize how excited everyone is about this baby

- i really think this baby is a boy

but i still havent had a single dream about the kid

- i swear to the universe that i can feel this little monster move

if i sit really still or lay on my side i can feel this little flutter. it feels like he's trying to get comfy. he goes nuts after i eat. i cannot wait until the movement becomes more noticeable, i think Panda is a little jealous though he tries to play it off.

- i eat every 2 hours and if i dont....oh boy, you better run for cover!

- i crave: cold fruit, and cup of soup (i eat one once a day, talk about sodium...)

- i am considering cloth diapers and everyone is trying to talk me out of it....

..........thats all i can think of at the moment. hopefully tomorrow i will be able to post the pix of the second ultrasound and my belly but for now i must get to sleep because i have to be up at 3:45



Thursday, May 19, 2011

11 Weeks 1 Day

Dear Flek,
This time last week Papa and I were marveling over your first pictures. We were in awe of what we saw - you moved and flipped and it even looked like you waved! It was all we could do to keep from introducing you to every single person that crossed our path.
The first relative that got to see you was Granddaddy. I wish you could have seen the smile on his face; he was beaming from ear to ear! He loves to talk about how he is going to take you hunting and how he wants to teach you how to race go karts!
After that we took your photos over to show your other Grandma and Grandpa. Let me tell you, I don't think you will ever know the magnitude of love that is felt for you. There are so many plans for your arrival...everyone can't wait to meet you. You are always talked about!
This week you are the size of a lime. When I read about your size I felt so much better because I already have a bit of a belly. Even though I gripe about my changing body to your daddy deep down inside I revel at every change I see. Everything from the back aches to my disappearing waistline even down to the bright veins that you can see from a mile away are well worth it to know that I get to create you.
I can't remember if I told you but my childhood best friend, Melanie is also pregnant! She is about 2 weeks ahead of us; you will have a playmate! It makes mommy feel good to know that there is someone she can go to with all of these changes. Don't get me wrong, daddy is a great listener but sometimes it is nice to have someone going through the same things.
This week we have started to look into names for you...gosh, no one ever said how difficult it is to pick just one! We are having such a hard time narrowing our list down but I can't help but think that as you grow and we get to know your little personality your name will just fit.
Anyway, I just want to say that I love you so much already. I feel so blessed that you chose me to be your momma. Every chance I get my hands land right on my belly and I imagine you swimming and dancing all day long. I can't wait for the day that I get to feel you swish around in there. Even though many people know about you I still feel like I have this amazing secret that no one else knows but daddy.
I know I tell you this all of the time but you are loved --- way more than you know!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Telling your grandparents about you

***Written April 18, 2011***
Dear Fleck,

Last night we decided to tell daddy's parents and my sister about you. Our original plan was to wait until Mother's Day but I insisted that this weekend would be the time. I needed them to know about your existence.

I found these small picture frames that I said I love my Grandma and I love my Grandpa. Immediately I knew that I wanted to use these as a special way of telling everyone about you. The plan was to put your very first picture (via ultrasound) in there and give it to each of your grandparents wrapped up as a gift. When I went to the Doctor they told me it would be a little while before we could see you. Mommy grew anxious. We decided that perhaps we would wait until Mother's Day when both families were together at our house. That plan failed when I realized that keeping you a secret was hurting her....that and everything we had planned between now and Mother's day fell through. Daddy's birthday is tomorrow and part of his birthday present was to go fishing this next weekend with his best friends/brothers. That got cancelled because they got the date of opening weekend wrong. Daddy's birthday party was going to be the following weekend, that almost got cancelled but it is still going strong and set for the 30th of this month. What really told mommy were three other things:

1. Grandma (my Mum) and Auntie Emily came in to visit me. To the average person that isn't weird, but my store is 30 minutes away and they both had school that day.

2. Friday daddy's parents came in to the store to visit me. Highly unusual because they are always so busy with other things.

3. Friday evening as I was driving home from work three large birds flews directly in front of my car and sharply turned to fly along side me for a few seconds. I sound crazy, but it really happened.

I told daddy about these things and he told me that I am crazy but he was ready to tell whenever I was. I could tell he was really excited.

Saturday night we went to your daddy's parent's house. When we got there they had just pulled up to the house after a long day of work. Daddy hid the present in the house and then went to help them put up the animals. I tried to staying out of there way and just watched. When we went inside your grandpa noticed the giftbox on the coffee table. He asked what it was and daddy told him that we found something that they might like. Grandma was the one who opened the box, the frames were upside down but she was excited thinking that we had taken photos or something. When she flipped them over she and grandpa just stared for a few seconds. Suddenly she looked up and when she did I had tears in my eyes. All we got was, "oh my god, really? are you pregnant?" I said yes and she jumped up so quickly and said she was soo excited and so happy. Grandpa started crying and so did daddy. There was so much happiness surrounding your pending arrival. I hope that you know that you are loved so much already.

Later that night we told your Auntie Emily.

I bought a little onesie that says "I love my auntie." Em came over and like we did with your grandparents we left the gift on our coffee table. We chatted a little bit and caught up on life. She noticed the box and asked if it was for her......I said, "well I suppose that you can open it, hopefully you'll like what's in it." She opened it and she had the best look on her face. Her mouth dropped and she had a huge grin on her face. All she could say is "are you really? are you really? are you really?" I nodded and she shrieked. She was super excited about you. She says she hopes you're a little girl so she can dress you up and take you everywhere. She also said she would just as happy with a cute little boy.

Sunday we told my parents.

We put their frames in two separate bags so that they each had something to open.

Sunday dinner.................wasn't exactly what I wanted to be. For starters I was starving and my dad, brother and your daddy were outside working on my brother's car and ignoring the meat on the BBQ. Needless to say, Heffer me was highly agitated. To top that off, my dad invited the neighbor over for dinner. I really wanted to eat with just my family, I wanted it to be a private thing.

After the neighbor left we retreated outside to sit and chat which is when I wanted to spill the beans but of course, the boys decided to go to the auto store. Boy, did I hit the roof but kept it inside. I just wanted to tell everyone. Upon their return I grabbed the little bags, not wanting to waste a single minute more. We had my parents sit together and open them at the same time. My dad's eyes got huge and my mum's mouth dropped. Mum's first words were, "that's not fair, I am too young!" but she smiled the whole time. Dad's first words were a million questions in one: "is he going to the naval academy? will he be a racer? what if its twins? we need a fishing pole and a bow and arrow set."

Everyone is so excited for your arrival, Fleck.

There has been nothing but love for you the moment we said the words.

You are loved.


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Back tracking...

March 31st, 2011

We will start with the evening of March 30. It had been an incredibly long day at work; my day started at 5:30 a.m. and I wasn't off until about 4:30 p.m. The plan was to head to the gym, but my life rarely goes to plan. Panda needed his work truck's brakes fixed and so I picked him and and then we went to the gym together. We both figured that since the place closed at 6 p.m. that his van would be done by then. Wrong. So wrong. While we waited I casually mentioned today I was due to start my period. He laughed and said that's funny because we haven't had a stupid argument yet (we always get into an argument the day before I am supposed to start). Around that time the mechanic came out to say that it would be at least an hour or so more.....we decided to venture to Target to pick up a test, just in case.

When we got to Target I wanted to do anything but look at pregnancy tests - I avoided it as long as possible by browsing in the dollar section and clothing and electronics. Finally I felt like it was "time" so we walked over and picked up the ClearBlue Digital pregnancy tests.

.......$45 later we returned to pick up the van. We went home and I waited for us to argue about something totally lame. Didn't happen. He made me a steak dinner that I ate half of (highly unusual) and promptly fell asleep fully expecting to start overnight.

The next morning I woke up and felt absolutely fine but I had set the test out the prior night for me to use so I used it. Instead of waiting around I decided to occupy myself by heating water for my hardboiled eggs. Let me tell you, that was the longest 3 minutes of my life.

This is what I came back to:

I couldn't believe it. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry or what. So I did want any sensible chick would do with a supposed positive pregnancy test, I shook it and looked again. It definitely was positive! I sat on the edge of the bed and asked Panda to wake up. He covered his eyes and mumbled something about he was sleeping and couldn't read anything. I sat on top of him and said please tell me what this says. He grumbled, I don't know, pregnant? Haha, it was rather entertaining because when I said yes he got all bug eyed and asked if I was lying.

Neither of us knew what to do really. I paced around the house and he kind of just sat there!

I looked in the mirror and as crazy as this sounds, I looked different to myself. In a span of 5 minutes my world had changed. I felt strong and beautiful. Suddenly it wasn't Moe in the mirror, it was someone else. It wasn't about me. I became someone who would give the world to ensure that my little one is safe. I wanted to do whatever it took to keep my little womb a happy dwelling place for the little dot.

I instantly gave up: my thrice daily double matcha shot (caffeine), dinner time soda, semi carb-less diet to make sure that my body was the perfect place.


Fast forward to April 11th...

At 2:30 I had my first prenatal appointment. My friend referred me to her Ob/Gyn, fortunately I was able to get in with his Nurse Practitioner. I filled out all of the paperwork, peed in a cup (and peed a few other times ) and waited for what felt like forever. I was called back. They took my weight and blood pressure and asked about my period. They gave me literature on Prenatal Screening and told me a bit about it. Then came the fun part...............! Karen came in and gave me a Pelvic Exam. I am a little bit bummed about what she had to say. I have been told that I have a "tight arch" which I guess means that I may have to have a C-section. I actually want to do a homebirth.....and in that moment I felt crushed. She told me that I may be able to deliver vaginally if I keep my weight down (as if standing on the scale looking at my starting weight didn't do that enough). I truly do not want a c-section.....I guess we will have to wait and see. Panda immediately sensed my sadness and reached over to hold my hand....

On to some happy stuff!

According to the little last period wheel thing my EDD is December 7, 2011.

Our first formal prenatal appointment was April 25 at 4 p.m. with all the other "fun" stuff, blood work, pap smear, medical history, etc.

Panda didn't even ask to be excused for the Pelvic and he wants to be there for the next appointment. I am a lucky mama!

I just want to fast forward to week 13.

I just want to see the ultrasound to see that my little Fleck is okay.

I really hope that our baby is okay.

Some days I think that this is all just a dream. I always have to pee but I always feel such relief to see that the toilet paper it clean (sorry, tmi).

I can't wait to meet him/her.

I thought I loved my dogs entirely too much, but no, I love this little baby, the size of a sesame seed more than I love life itself.

I am so happy.



Template by: Bright Sunshine Designs by Mary - Affordable Custom Blog Design © 2012

Design Elements by: Tracie Stroud