Sunday, July 17, 2011


**This has taken me nearly a week to write. I apologize for my absence**

I have been trying to keep this blog light and fun and all about my little monster. I don't update very often - I work 45+ hours each week plus take care of the house and the cooking - it is exhausting. Most days there are things for me to post about but by the time "relaxation" time comes I only want to chill out on the couch. I know that I should be documenting as much as possible because this pregnancy will only happen one time....I should eat up every single second with words and pictures - I want to do a better job of relishing every second and making sure that it is recorded on here. Tonight is a new night, one where I can start over anew....that being said, this post isn't going to be light and fun. You have been forewarned.

Today I received bad news from two people that I hold near to my heart.

The first was my regular (customer) Beverly. She hadn't been coming in very much this past week and I had been meaning to text her because something didn't feel right but something told me she needed her space. She came in this morning right as we opened and she looked drained. She told me about how it is highly likely that her husband has prostate cancer and that it has likely spread. Her eyes welled up with tears and my first reaction was to back away - horrible, I know. I don't quite know why I backed away; perhaps it has something to do with the fact that Granddaddy died from prostate cancer and there are times where I still think I am mourning my loss. She told me she most likely wouldn't be in for several days. I asked her how she was doing and she replied "I hate it because I am not in control. You know me, I am a control freak and if I am powerless I lose my mind." I completely understand. I, too am a control freak- anything beyond my control upsets and irritates me. The unknown paralyzes me.

The second was a long time friend of mine. I consider her to be like a Mum to me. I have known her since I was 15 and she has seen me through some crazy times, as I have for her. She's one of those rare people that you meet and you have an incredible instant bond. It was like I have known her all my life and perhaps even in a past life. For the past 5 or 6 years she has been suffering from a myriad of different illnesses. There have been a few times where I have flown out of state to take care of her and her family after surgery without any thought to it. Recently she has been suffering from things like falling out of bed every night and having trouble remembering things. After hundreds of doctors visits with seemingly hundreds of different doctors they finally scheduled her for an EEG (basically, a brain scan). Well, she finally got the results back.

I got the phone call when I was at work. Unfortunately when she called I wasn't at my desk, I was helping my team on the floor. When I got back I saw the missed call and immediately listened to the voicemail. I wish I hadn't. Mum said she regretted telling me this way but that she needed me to know and had to get it off her chest. The doctor went over the scan with her and told her she had severe brain damage on the left hemisphere of her brain. I couldn't listen to any more. I knew that if I did the last 4 hours of work would be impossible.

Later when I got in my car to go home I listened to it again. She assured me she would be okay. My heart began to ache. She made jokes that she would try hard not to be a burden and get so bad that I would have to change the diapers of both her and the baby. That old familiar burn returned in my throat. She told me that our family would be just fine. Again I couldn't listen to any more. I had to get home. I couldn't allow myself to lose it in front of my store.

I got home and all I could think was why. Why? Why now?

I couldn't call her because I knew I wouldn't be strong.

She was making jokes and I was crumbling.

She was thinking and talking about the baby and all I could think was: I can't do this again. My heart won't make it.

This is supposed to be a happy time - it's a selfish thought, I know.

I asked her how this happened...she replied "This is why we have to share our stories. WE have to make a difference in those that have suffered or are suffering from domestic violence. This happened because of my ex-husband who pushed me down a flight of stairs when I was pregnant with Matthew."

Our work in domestic violence is something I will blog about later.

I couldn't believe her reply. She wasn't bitter or sad.

Both women are incredibly strong - which is why I cling to them so dearly. They show me strength when they are the ones suffering.

All I feel is pain.

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by, if you smile through your fears and sorrows
Smile and may be tomorrow, you'll see the sun come shining through if you
Light up your face with gladness, hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear, may be ever so near That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just, smile

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