Thursday, October 18, 2012

10 and Some Change

My Aubrey Rose,

You turned ten months old an embarrassing amount of time ago. Here is the most recent (phone) photo of you:
So many people have said that you don't even look like a baby and must admit I have to agree most of the time. You look and act like such a little lady but when it's time for some milk I see you revert right back to my little, itty bitty baby again. 
There is so much you can do now:
  • Wave bye bye, but ONLY when you want to
  • Say "mama"
  • Pull yourself up and cruise along the furniture, like a total mini boss
  • Walk when we hold you by the hands
  • Use your musical push toy and walk wherever you want to go, again, like a total mini boss
  • Dance, when you hear music
  • Give kisses, but only when you want to
  • Splash in the bath....A LOT
  • Stand for up to 45 seconds at a time, yes, I timed it!
  • You still love the boob - I swear, it is a miracle worker
I am sure there is more that I cannot think of....darn that mama brain.

Oh! You still have your two "official" teeth but you have two more coming in - the top front two. Oh man, my love, we had a few rough days with those bad boys. Your shrill, painful cry broke me and my mama heart so bad I resorted to more than just the teething tablets and Oragel. We gave you baby tylenol and boy, did it make you groggy. You slept like you were a newborn. But, it looks like one has broken through and the other one is right there. Hopefully they will be out soon! 

I love you so, so much. You don't know how often we get stopped by people wanting to be in your little world even if just for a moment or two. You appear to captivate people in such an intense way, just like your Papa. You have quite the personality. You are sweet and loving and goofy and emotional and curious and fearless. The perfect mix of me and Papa. 

I still have a touch of baby fever but your Papa and I are talking about buying a house and he recently started some online classes. So, another baby will have to wait. In time, my love. I can't wait to see you as a big sister. 

I haven't gotten around to taking your ten month photos but I plan to do so this weekend. We also want to take you to the pumpkin patch so we can get some Halloween inspired photos to send to family. 

You are and always be my heart and soul, my pride and joy. 

I love you more than a million gummi bears.


Sunday, October 14, 2012


Three weeks ago my battle with pumping at work hit it's peak.

The update: I found out who the dirty rat was. I know, I know, it isn't very nice to call someone a dirty rat. But.....this is what really pissed me the Eff off. It was a disgruntled ex-employee. Someone who I distinctly recall telling that I needed to pump and that if it bothered her she needed to leave my office. Someone who said how amazing it was that I was able and willing to pump at work for my child. Someone who frickin ENCOURAGED me to do so because I was able. Someone who sat there and told me that if she had been able to pump at work she would have but she couldn't relax enough so she eventually had to stop breastfeeding altogether.

Ugh, I could go on and on and on about this but the bottom line was that I was (and still am) disgusted. I am so disappointed in the route that my district manager and HR handled the situation. Seriously, I was so bothered by it that I couldn't pump at work for several days. Not to be confused with not sitting down and pumping but that when I'd retreat to my safe zone I would only get a half ounce out of each breast.

 I have since then purchased a curtain to block myself off.

 And you want to know what? That makes me uncomfortable.

Why? Because the rest of my team has been nothing but supportive and to have to hide away makes me feel embarrassed. Like I am doing something wrong. I understand that it makes some people uncomfortable and to that I say, get a grip. Why on earth is society still in a place where breastfeeding is taboo? What did people do before formula?

It's not like I am exposing myself to anyone. As proud as I am to breastfeed my daughter in public and pump at work I am still fairly modest about it. I don't whip out my breast and leave it in the open. I cover as much as possible and feed and/or pump. Even my male team members support it. They tell me all of the time that it is natural and even they don't understand what the big damn deal is.


 My supply has since dropped and I am fighting like mad to get it back.


I was so upset. So upset. Need I reiterate that I was upset? Clearly, I still am. Merely typing this out makes my tummy churn and makes my heart flutter.

Needless to say when things like this happen I go inside of myself. I hide away to lick my wounds and try to heal. It hasn't been easy. When I hide away I tend to hide from everything.

It is hard to heal when someone has attacked your heart and soul. I feel like someone tried to physically hurt Aubrey. I feel like a mama tiger ready to pounce at any given moment. I naturally always feel like that when it comes to my girl but I feel a million times more so now.

I have tried to write this post twenty times. But I couldn't bring myself to open up. I still hesitate as I sit here punching away at the keys of this laptop. I pause every sentence and question whether or not to let the world know.

But in the end it is therapeutic to type this. To release my thoughts on the rest of the world is as cleansing as that random storm that hit Southern California last Thursday. Being upset is exhausting. Hiding the hurt and anger is even more exhausting.

Naked and exposed.


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