Wednesday, September 28, 2011


Dear Third Trimester,

Please stop kicking my ass. Don't you know that I am not one to sit down and rest? I'm an on the go kind of gal and when I come home from a 10+ hour work day I don't want to go to sleep for a couple of hours I want to clean and fix up Aubrey's room.

Oh, and can you please tell your partners in crime Backache and Pelvic Pain to go suck it? I know being uncomfortable is part of the package but I made it sooooo far without those two - I am a stubborn woman (who is quickly learning that I cannot always fight back). Tell them they can come back in 8 weeks when I go on maternity leave. For now, I want to be able to work all day and then come home and clean like a mad woman.

I will admit, there is one positive to your residency in my body - Panda has been the one cooking and cleaning. I should be thankful, I know, but there's that pesky little brother of yours, Nesting, getting in my way.

If you guys could just back off for a little while I would totally appreciate it.



Saturday, September 17, 2011

Sometimes I wonder...

I know that I can't be the only woman whose significant other is obsessed with that damn game Call of Duty Black Ops. That game is the one thing that really messes up our relationship. Every weekend he will play alllllllll freakin' night. I will fall asleep on the couch and be woken up to the sound of him chatting with his online friends about the number of kills he has. So I go to bed thinking he will follow me.


I wake up the next morning and he is either still playing or he has fallen asleep on the couch.

I know pregnancy hormones has made me crazy but it really infuriates me.

It makes me feel lonely.

It makes me cry.

He doesn't get it.

Seriously, we have a discussion/argument about this frickin' game at least once a week. He promises me the world and says he will stop playing so much and he will help me around the house more. I ultimately say ok. Things get better for about a week and then - POOF - he goes right back to his old behaviors. Sometimes I believe that he really could care less that my feelings are hurt because it seems he would rather play his game then spend time with me.

All I can think about is: "is this how it is going to be when Aubrey arrives?" Our relationship is about to change in a monumental way and I am afraid his priorities will no longer include me. I understand and accept and respect that our relationship is bound to take a back seat for the most part when our daughter is born - but what happens when we have that little smidge of time for us? He will ultimately choose the game, right? I sincerely hope not.

My eyes are tearing up as I write this, my heart feels smashed to billions of pieces when I think about this subject. My heart is broken. I am broken.

What in the world do I do?

I can't continue like this. In my mind my only option now is to leave him. We aren't married so it won't be messy. I don't even know if I want to marry him.

I keep thinking that it would be easier to leave before Aubrey arrives. Cut ties now and have a plan for when she is here.

What do I do?

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

My love

My dearest Aubrey Rose,

As I sit here on the floor, waiting for your daddy to return from the gym, I watch you dance and move around in my belly. There isn't a single word to explain what I feel when I feel you move inside of me. The magnitude of love that I feel surpasses every emotion I have ever felt before in my life.

I thought that I learned love when I met daddy after thinking I would never meet another man worth loving again. I was wrong. From the moment we decided that we wanted you in our lives to the moment I saw the word Pregnant on the test screen to is incredible. I have a feeling that you are the best thing that I will have ever done. I have a feeling that you are my Magnum Opus - nothing I could ever do will be better than you.

I cannot wait to show you the world. Daddy and I already have so many plans for you. We want to take you fishing, camping, hiking, to the zoo, to the beach - I want nothing more than to give you the world. We want to teach you everything we know. We want to make every opportunity open to you.

I want you to know that I love you so much. I know that there will be times when you feel that maybe I don't love you because we are in a disagreement or whatever. But I do love you - more than life itself. I would give anything for you.

This letter is full of cliches which is super lame but I cannot think of any other way to express how I feel about carrying you.

I love you.



Monday, September 12, 2011


Today we hit the 28 mark (according to medicine, at least, I happen to think we are several days behind, whatev!). Today marks the first day of our last trimester and I am beyond out of my mind amazed that we are already here.

There are no words to explain the feelings running through me. I simply cannot believe that in as little as 8 weeks Aubrey could be here. She could be here, sitting next to me. Or here in my arms. Panda is napping away next to me and I cannot imagine Aubrey sleeping on his chest - not that I don't want to, its more like even though I can feel her moving in me and I hear her heartbeat at the doctor mind can wrap around the fact that she will be coming out of me. In my own way I almost don't want her to come out. But we will save that for another post.

Watching Aubrey move around inside of me is another indescribable feeling. Up until today, Aubrey had very distinct schedule. Every three hours she would wiggle around like their was a wild party going on in my uterus for about 30 minutes and then she would simmer down and move a few times here and there. Her "party times" were usually around 9, 12, 6, 6. This morning I awoke to her bouncing around at 4:30 a.m. so I woke up and peed and then promptly decided that it was a great time for a blueberry bagel and a large glass of orange juice. I thought I would be able to get right back to sleep but I was so wrong. She wiggled and danced for a bit then quieted down. She started back up at 6:30....I have lost track of her pattern because it seems like every 30 minutes she kicks and wiggles and sometimes it kind of hurts!

I don't know what it is but suddenly I feel like there are so many things to write about. Maybe its the fact that I know shes coming and I want to get everything out of my head, heart and soul and into a place where I can leave it so it won't mull around in my head. I have created a running list of things that I want to blog about. However, I have learned my lesson in vowing to keep this thing up. Hopefully my plan will stick.

Until next time...



Sunday, September 11, 2011


Dear Aubrey,

Yesterday we went to the LA county fair. We had deep fried twinkies, snickers and oreos. I think you liked them because you danced and wiggled in my belly every time I finished a bite.

Your grandma and grandpa were asked to work at the fair and they brought some of their goats and calves and other little babies. Grandma was giving a demonstration on milking goats and we got to see her first performance! She was so nervous before she went on but she did just fine. A lot of people gathered around to hear her talk and a few even asked to try their hand at milking. You could see how proud daddy was of her, it was so cute.

We walked and walked and walked. I can tell you are getting bigger because I would need to sit and rest every 30 minutes or so. Thankfully I was able to sit down right as daddy and our friends would want to go look at something or get another beer.

Daddy rode the mechanical bull! I wish I had recorded it - he looked like a true bull rider! The people were crowding around to watch him. He lasted on the bull for awhile! The crowd loved him so much that he was offered another ride for free!

It was so much fun!

Every time daddy would see a little kid his face would light up and he would say, "next year we get to bring Aubrey here." He is just so excited for your arrival! He cannot wait to show you all kinds of things. You are one lucky little girl!

I love you more than words,



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