Sunday, February 12, 2012

Voices Inside my Head

The voices inside my head make me sound like I'm some crazy lady who talks to herself and has a shopping cart loaded with stuff with live cats living beneath it all. I'm not that crazy (most of the time), I swear. I am talking about the negative thoughts that enter my head whenever I am about to attempt something or even just thinking about random wants/wishes/dreams. For today I am mainly talking about losing the dreaded baby weight. Once upon a time there was a girl named Moe who dated a gentleman dude in college. She thought he was oh-so right for her but little did she know he was mentally and emotionally breaking her down. In high school I was a svelte little lady that rocked a size 0/2 without even trying. There were some events in my life that took place during high school and after graduation which inevitably led to a depression that (I thought) was only curable by consuming way too much food. I went up to a 6. After meeting said dude in college I ballooned up about 35 pounds and rocked a size 10/12. He would tell me that I was never meant to be skinny and that I was supposed to be curvy and voluptuous. And you know what? I believed him. I would complain about my weight and he would hand me three doughnuts and then take me to Carl's Jr for dinner. It got to the point that I would avoid looking in the mirror when I would undress for a shower. It even got to the point (WARNING: TMI) that I once cried during sex. ...not to mention when I was even younger there were several instances of a few people that were close to me saying that I was fat. ...not to mention the fact that just the other day I had this flashback of me at about 7 years old thinking to myself that maybe if I fell asleep at night sucking my tummy in and that I would wake up skinnier. Seven years old! Looking back at pictures of those years I was itty bitty. Anyway, back to the point. Hear I am at about 10 weeks post-partum and I am in a size 8 which is actually where I was before I was pregnant. I should be happy, right? Right. No, wrong. I can't help but want to be smaller - like a size four. A few weeks ago I set out to start my weight loss journey via 30 Day Shred and then a week or so later I decided I wanted to include Eating Clean. I did the Shred for nine consecutive days and started feeling amazing. I was starting to lose the self-consciousness of being naked around Roy and there was a noticeable difference when I wore my jeans. I started feeling great when I was (loosely) following the Eating Clean lifestyle. I took measurements of myself and I kid you not I lost 1.5 inches in my thighs (the trouble spot for me). Suddenly, I stopped. For every positive thought that occurred in my head about my body I would hear someone say, "You're not meant to be skinny." For every positive food choice I made I heard, "Marisa, you could really afford to lose some weight before you wear that shirt and pierce your belly button." For every smile that came from my face upon actually looking in the mirror I would hear, "You seriously have thunder thighs, please stop wearing shorts." Those were just a few of the comments that I would hear on a semi-regular basis. So I stopped, just like that; I stopped. Somewhere in my head I seriously believe that I cannot ever attain my goal weight. Somewhere in my head there is a blockage and I can't get rid of it. I have started and stopped this process several times because once I start to feel better the thoughts pop in my head. I tell myself it is because I am lazy but in reality the voices in my past hold me back. I allow them to hold me back. I don't want to allow this anymore. I can't allow myself to not reach my goals because of someone else. Most of all I can't allow this anymore because I have a daughter now. A daughter who, if I cannot have a positive outlook on my body, may feel that way about herself. I do not want that for her. Starting now I will push past those voices that creep in when I am starting to feel good about where my body is headed. I no longer will listen to them and believe them when I hear that I will always be fat/thick/curvy/whatever. I can get there. I will get there.
I wanna feel the way this girl looks, confident, sexy. NOTE: I am not saying in anyway that a size 10/12 is unacceptable. I know that it is an average size. Now, I am not an average size woman (5 ft 1/2 in); my goal weight is technically where I should be if you look on the BMI.


  1. omg my brain does the same flipping thing..i've been trying and stopping trying and stopping with the whole weight loss thing etc. (just browse my blog, i'm such a workout flake lol).

    You'll get there! I totally believe in you!

  2. I really feel for you and I just mentioned a similar experience in my "body after baby" page (you can find the link in the top menu of my blog). I also went from a 0 to a 10 within 2 years in my late teens. I discovered then the fulfillment and "de-stressing" a good workout could bring but it wasn't until I made permanent diet and overall lifestyle changes (such as getting mean people out of my life, and surrounding myself with supportive friends and friends that enjoyed a good workout or dance class, etc.) that I dropped to a 4/6 and eventually a 0/2 again where I've stayed for about 6 years now.

    I remember family also commenting on me being too big and saying I was genetically destined for it. Ha! Don't ever listen to anyone! Now that I'm thin, the same people say I am genetically destined to be thin. Even though in reality I worked hard to get where I am. Or when they see me filling up on fresh veggies and grains they say I must have an eating disorder, which is just another way to try to cut you down. The bottom line is just listen to yourself. Only you can know what is your ideal weight, because your ideal weight and fitness level is what makes YOU feel amazing inside and out and no one else can determine that for you.

    As for getting past the voices, #1 was recognizing where they came from. Who was it that said these things to me and why would they have wanted me to think that way? You know how they say misery loves company? The people that try to train you into this negative way of thought are just projecting their feelings about their own self-worth onto you and trying to keep you stuck down with them. A big part of having extra pounds is feeling immobile and not worthy of freedom and success. So a big part of breaking free was really saying, "No that is NOT my identity! I deserve to fly!"

    And your daughter is definitely a reason to rethink your self image, and this includes loving yourself and realizing that you are awesome even if you are not at your goal weight. I remember once looking in a mirror and frowning about my "flaws" and then realizing Max was next to me looking so scared and sad. He had just crawled in and was looking at me thinking "mama doesn't like herself". It was a heartbreaking moment and snapped me out of that thinking forever. Every bit of beauty that you see & love in your little girl is a reflection of you because she came from you! Even her blue eyes came from you (it's a recessive trait that must exists both parents in order for the child to have them). So every time you look at her remind yourself that she is a reflection of her mama!!!

    Anyway, sorry for the extra long comment but there's so much I had to say to you & so much I identify with in this post. Once my baby #2 comes next month I'm going to document and write more about fitness/postpartum/weight issues because I want everyone to know it's possible to achieve your goal weight, feel amazing and be healthier for your family.

    Just like RockinMrsFollis says, you'll get there, we believe in you and know that you deserve it!


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